Steven Boulet Music

6/27 Friday

Sleep quality is poor and I wake up a little rough.

Rip Van Winkle Gardens

I have my first visit to the physical therapist today; She’s surprised enough that she re-checks the prescription from the doctor; it’s unusual for a fusion patient to start rehabilitating only a week after surgery. I abstain from taking pain medication to feel everything during therapy.

Fifteen minutes on an exercise bike modified to prevent any spinal flexion is barely raising my heartbeat. P.T. so soon after surgery is very aggressive; most fusion patients can expect 2-3 weeks of healing before beginning theirs.

The therapist wants to work on regaining core strength, she’s expecting atrophy, but my core remains very strong with little to no atrophy. S.O.P for the first 2-6 weeks of fusions is to NOT go beyond 15 degrees of flexion; so we’re limited on available exercises. I’m familiar with the spinal “neutral position” and the first few exercises are using my core to create it while having my legs resting elevated at 90 degrees (like lying on your back but with your legs like you were sitting in a chair). Our last exercise surprises me. The Therapist has me squeeze a ball between my knees while lying on the table and perform 15 slow and controlled hip thrusts while maintaining a neutral spine. I wouldn’t have guessed this was ok to do so soon.

I walk 2.2 miles today without much difficulty mostly visiting our wedding venue planning our layout.

I have this weird moment realizing it’s been 8 days since back surgery; walking is less painful than the day before the fusion; I’m in a good mood. Emotion wells up powerfully within me and I tear up a little. It’s so easy it is to be in a good mood when you’re not in pain. For 2 years I’ve felt frustration, guilt, shame, and anger at my inability to achieve and maintain any state of peace or happiness for any length of time; especially when traveling across Europe or surrounded by friends or engaged in an otherwise beautiful experience. Essentially: I have punished myself for being unhappy in situations when I knew I should be happy. 

This was motivation for me to constantly try to improve my situation, which is good, but also the cause of much suffering. I hope with SSG to make a guide negotiating that balance better than I actually did. I hope to pass on what I learned to do and not to do, and help someone.

We detour on the way home from the venue and sitting in the car begins to create first dull than growing sharper pain in my lower back. The ride is bumpy and I feel the irritation becoming a problem. Around an hour into the ride, I opt to use a Percocet. As bad as pain after surgery is the panicky feeling that you’ve damaged what was repaired. This is my 6th surgery so I know the feeling well, and trust that it’s normal inflammation and part of the healing process. Another shit night of sleep is waiting for me at the end of this one but overall it’s been a good day. I’m still in less pain than I was before this fusion and that is both a disappointing and comforting thought.